Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Today's Thoughts Inspired by Real Headlines

Scientists discover part-plant, part-animal sea creature. Finally, Crispin Glover is back in the headlines.

Brutal Tijuana drug lord reportedly caught. The super sweet one is still at-large.

Mystery object on course to whiz past Earth. The good news? It's probably better than if it whizzed ON Earth.

McGwire admits steroid use. In equally shocking news, some news networks not exactly "fair" or "balanced."

Assassination chills climate in Iran. Because before, the climate in Iran was all about love and tolerance and stuff.

Federal Reserve earned $45 billion in 2009. Would have been more, but the money printing machine needs a new ink cartridge.

Fecal bacteria found in soda fountains. Of course, in the case of Dr. Pepper, you can't really tell the difference.

Wal-Mart begins charging for grocery bags. Weird, because they haven't really focused on generating revenue up to this point.

Senator Reid apologizes for saying President is "light skinned." Because, well, you know, that's just plain ludicrous.

"Jersey Shore" sucker-puncher to be fired. Although, let's be honest, wouldn't we all risk being fired to be able to punch these people?

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