Fifty Years of Patience, Love, Patience and Patience

On November 23, 2011, my parents Coleen and Robert Roeben celebrated their 50th anniversary. Amazing.

My sister, Patty, spent weeks scanning photos of my folks during their 50 years of marriage. I strung them together for a video which my parents seemed to like.



Here's a look at the photo book my sister made. She found pics for 48 of my parents 50 years together.

Here's another book of family photos. Lots and lots of them. I'm the cute, stout one.

I'm so thankful for having the continuity of parents married 50 years. I've had the benefit of a lifetime of love and support and guidance and a safety net.

My parents have always known the secret of a lifelong marriage. It's simple to say, but I don't suspect it's as easy to live. All you have to do is put the other person first. Day after day and year after year. Til death do you part. That's all.

It's Gotten Chilly Here in Vegas

Caught this fellow trying to keep warm outside M&M World here in Vegas.

It's Been Awhile

Wow. How long has it been since I last posted in this poor, neglected blog?

I guess doing a Las Vegas blog all day makes it less likely I'll want to blog when I get home.

However, I don't want this blog to die, so here's a photo.



Hey, it's something.

This Showgirl is Angry

Not really, but it made for a good publicity stunt at work.

All Smiles

I took this pic at Siegfried & Roy's Secret Garden at the Mirage.



I love dolphins!

An Inspiring Story

My mom sent me this, so I thought I'd share:

"Hi. I would just like to share an experience with you all, and it has to do with drinking and driving. As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd bash over the years?

"Well I, for one have done something about it. Last night I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had way too much Captain & Coke, knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home.

"I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, as I had never driven a bus before!"

Today's Keeper

Today's portrait took some time. Hours, actually. Chasing. Cajoling. Entertaining. Ignoring. Chasing again. Waiting. Trust-building. Strategizing. Charming. And clicking away...until just the right moment.



Sadly, a simple photo can't really convey everything it took to get the photo. I shot a birthday party today, and knew this was a shot I had to get. The young lady had no interest in having her photo taken, so I knew it was going to be a long trek.

At first, I made it clear she didn't have to have her photo taken. I chatted with her grandparents a bit. I tried to engage her like I do other kids. No interest. On to other things.

Awhile later, I noticed she was holding a dinosaur. That was the start of the thaw. I talked to her about dinosaurs, and quickly found out they're her favorites.

I did the usual. I was silly. And snapped a pic occasionally, nothing special. Ignoring a kid is a great way to get their attention, so I did that, too.

As the afternoon progressed, I bumped into her again, and she was climbing through a tunnel in a jungle gym. She was eyeballing the camera, and I knew I'd have my shot. I asked her to act like a dinosaur, and she did. Between snarls, I got her. No forced smile. Just simple calm.

I get the feeling a parent could take a thousand photos of their kid and not get one like this. I hope they like it when they see it.

The Keeper

I haven't quite decided how I'm going to share the photos and stories from my trip to Europe, but I thought I'd at least put this one out there. I felt like it was special when I took it, and I still feel that way now that I'm seeing it again.



I was making the long walk to get to the even longer walk to get to the amazing (and remote) hill town of Civita in Italy, and I caught this nun out of the corner of my eye. I stopped behind a tree, just out of her sight line, fumbled with my camera case, aimed and got exactly two exposures. I blinked, and she was gone.

It was exhilarating in the moment, and this image was the one that stayed in my mind throughout a trip filled with wonderful photo subjects.

I have no idea if it's a technically good photo, but I just keep staring at it. Like so many things in Italy, this scene feels like it could have been captured a week ago, a year ago or 50 years ago.

I took 6,298 during this trip, so I'll probably have more to pass along soon. This one was really special.

Chris Says This is Perfect

My friend Chris called this photo perfect. I don't know if it's perfect, but it's nice to hear that.



Oddly, I took this photo some time ago, and didn't think much of it. Probably a good idea to review one's work from time to time.

In the News

An unexpected surprise that came out of my April Fools' adventure on the Pulse of Vegas blog: It was mentioned on the local news.



Reporter Dayna Roselli tipped me off to a segment where the Charlie Sheen-retweeted post I did was mentioned. Watch it here.

Toys 4 Smiles in the News

The nonprofit my dad volunteers with (cutting wooden toys for needy kids) made the news again.

Take a look.

More than 81,000 cars to-date.

Here's a link to their Web site.

A Big Day for the Pulse of Vegas Blog

The blog I write for Caesars Entertainment had a big April Fools' Day today. I worked for weeks lining up posts that would go live throughout the day (every hour on the hour).

At one minute after midnight, I posted the first item, a piece about Las Vegas changing its sign to include a word now made famous by Charlie Sheen: "Winning."

Here's the post.



Yeah, I've kind of done this before.

Two minutes after I posted it, I posted it on Facebook and Twitter. I used Charlie Sheen's handle (@CharlieSheen) in the post, and he (or his people) retweeted it. Well, things went a little nutty from there.

Many thousands of people clicked through to the blog. There were 3.1 million raw hits and 43GB of data downloaded (that's a lot). Visitors viewed an average of 2.95 pages during their visit, and the bounce rate (people who don't find anything they like and click off to another site without looking at a second page) is just %2.88 (the average for the Web is 50%).

The link I created for Twitter was clicked 90,000 times.

Let me help you visualize what this kind of traffic means for a blog like the Pulse of Vegas blog.



Yeah, a bit of a spike. Big day for the blog.

Honesty in Advertising

I don't really make fake billboards anymore, but I wish I did, because sometimes they made me laugh.

Meet Flat Justice

Lots of people have heard of Flat Stanley, the flat guy who travels the world as a way for students to learn about community-building.

A friend of mine (a second grade teacher in Albany, New York) has a student in her class who decided Las Vegas needed a visit from Flat Justice instead!

Ordinary people just take pictures with their flat friend. But this is Vegas, so video seemed a better idea! Flat Justice and I had a great time sightseeing in Las Vegas!

Duran Duran: For the Record

For the record. I know you have music you like, which is fine. That does not impact, however, the fact Duran Duran is the best band in the history of pop music.

Toys 4 Smiles Gets Some Ink

Toys 4 Smiles, the Vegas nonprofit my dad cuts wooden cars for, got some sweet ink in the Las Vegas Sun. Check it out.



My dad's the one that looks thrilled to be having his photo taken.

Carolyn Goodman May Be the Next Mayor of Las Vegas

While roaming on Fremont Street (in downtown Las Vegas) an evening or two ago, I had a chance encounter with mayoral candidate Carolyn Goodman. Her husband is Oscar Goodman, the legendary Vegas mayor whose final term is up soon due to term limits. Bummed about that.

Anyway, Carolyn Goodman was taping what appeared to be a campaign of some sort, and I jumped behind the camera, caught her eye and snagged exactly three exposures. I was happy with the result!



Hanging out around the taping really gave me a sense of Carolyn Goodman's demeanor and personality, and I have to say, she's as likable and funny as her husband. She also didn't freak out when she saw my camera. Pretty sure if I vote, she'll get mine.

Sometimes, It's Truly Not Goodbye

My friend Del Reisman's memorial was on Feb. 17, 2011 at the Writers Guild Theater in Los Angeles. I knew Del back when I was at the WGA. He had served as President for a number of years, but stuck around the Guild to act as the unofficial ambassador for the Guild.

He was smart and funny and warm and generous and all the things people say about friends after they die. In Del's case, though, all those things happen to also be true.

My friend Sean was nice enough to scan the program from the memorial, and I was pleased to see one of my photos of Del was used in the program.



Click here for a larger version.

It feels like a cliche to say that when some people pass away, they aren't really gone. Well, again, in Del's case, that's kind of true. He didn't just create brilliant stories that will live long beyond his own lifetime. (Among his many accomplishments, Del was story editor on the original "Twilight Zone" series.) Del was also an educator, and touched the lives of innumerable other storytellers whose work will be influenced by his insights.

Del worked tirelessly on behalf of writers and knew the power of the written word.

Here's more about Del.

Del was the man, and I'm proud to say I knew him for a time.

The Movies Oscar Screwed: Comedies That Should've Won Best Picture

Year after year, Oscar gets it dead wrong.

When it comes to giving out Oscars, the members of the Motion Picture Academy have a serious blind spot—specifically, comedy. Though people often list comedies among their most loved and admired movies, those same films are overlooked for Best Picture Oscars year after year.

It's simply not fair that comedies continue to receive such atrocious treatment at Oscar time. Everyone knows comedy isn't merely "as difficult" to pull off as drama, it's actually much harder. It's not just wrong, but a downright embarrassment, that great comedic films, successful by any other measure, are so often overlooked during Oscar season.



It's time to make things right. It's time to give credit where it's due by recognizing the comedic films and performances that should have won Oscars. It's time for Oscar to get off his epic-loving, British-accent-loving ass and start laughing with the rest of us. Here are 30 years of the movies that should have won.

(Note: These films are listed by their year of release, not the year in which the Oscars would have been presented.)

2012
Best Picture: "Silver Linings Playbook"

As usual, the best movie of the year will be overlooked for a stodgy historical epic (yawn). "Silver Linings Playbook" more than deserved the statue.

2011
Best Picture: "Crazy, Stupid Love"

Granted, 2011 wasn't the greatest year for comedies, but there were some contenders. Lots of folks would cite "Midnight in Paris" as a worthy Oscar nominee (it won for Best Original Screenplay and was up for Best Picture), and "Bridesmaids" got a lot of attention, too (I say meh). But I'd pick "Crazy, Stupid Love" as the best comedy of the year. The best film of the year? Maybe not a comedy this time, but there's a long list of comedies that will stand the test of time better than "The Artist," of that I am certain.

2010
Best Picture: "How to Train Your Dragon"

Ever ponder whether your sense of wonder is intact? Look no further than "How to Train Your Dragon." Yes, it's animated. But it's gorgeous and touching and, yes, funny as hell. Sure, "The Social Network" has some snappy dialogue, but "Dragon" matches it and leapfrogs over it in sheer imagination, heart and technical wizardry. Oh, and did I mention how funny it is?

Best Picture Runner-Ups: "Date Night," "Toy Story 3," "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World"

2009
Best Picture: "Zombieland"

All right. It could be argued the Best Picture of the Year may not have been a comedy, but it most certainly was not "The Hurt Locker." The thing with a lot of dramas is they only do one thing. We get it. Diffusing bombs is hard. Do we need to see 20 examples of that? "Zombieland" is funny and gory and touching and smart and utterly unforgettable. The stated purpose of the Oscars is to recognize excellence in filmmaking. Let's get on that mandate, Academy.

Best Picture Runner-Ups: "Adventureland," "Up," "The Hangover," "500 Days of Summer"

2008
Best Picture: "Tropic Thunder"

"Slumdog Millionaire" was contrived, unrealistic and sappy. How does it stack up against "Tropic Thunder"? It doesn't. "Tropic Thunder" had everything going for it, except for love from the Motion Picture Academy.

Best Picture Runner-Ups: "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," "Kung Fu Panda," "Wall-E"

2007
Best Picture: "Juno"

How often have you watched "No Country for Old Men" since it won "Best Picture"? Right. But wouldn't it be fun to watch "Juno" again? It was so smart and funny and real and moving. Being nominated might be an honor, Motion Picture Academy, but comedies don't need your pity, they need your hardware.

Best Picture Runner-Up: "Knocked Up"

2006
Best Picture: "Little Miss Sunshine"

The Academy choice for Best Picture was "The Departed," but was there anything all that different or memorable about this police drama? Is it a movie you're still excited to pop in the old DVD player? How about the true winner, "Little Miss Sunshine"? Being nominated is cool, but winning is cooler. Making a good drama is hard, but making a great comedy is much harder.

Best Picture Runner-Ups: "The Devil Wears Prada," "Cars," "Stranger Than Fiction"

2005
Best Picture: "The 40-Year-Old Virgin"

"Crash" wasn't a horrible movie, it just definitely wasn't the best movie of the year. That honor would lie with "The 40-Year-Old Virgin," just edging out "Wedding Crashers." "Virgin" is a case study in how when a comedy works, it appears effortless. Beneath the illusion, of course, is the ugly reality that a great comedy takes a magical mix of performers and writers and directors and myriad other variables that can fail to gel, evidenced by all the horrible comedies (and dramas for that matter) out there. If the Academy was dead-set on picking a drama to win, it should have been "Serenity."

Best Picture Runner-Ups: "Madagascar," "Mr. and Mrs. Smith"

2004
Best Picture: "Shaun of the Dead"

There has perhaps never been a better example of a Best Picture nod so completely missing the mark. "Million Dollar Baby" could even make an Academy Award statue yawn. "Shaun of the Dead" is perhaps the greatest comedy ever made and was given a shaft so long and barbed that it still stings to this day.

Best Picture Runners-up: "Starsky & Hutch," "Anchorman," "Garden State"

2003
Best Picture: "Finding Nemo"

We don't have to see the rest of the films likely to be nominated this year, we already have a winner. This funny, skillful, touching tale has it all, and it's sure to be a favorite for years to come. The likelihood of it even being nominated for a Best Picture Oscar? Not good.

Best Picture Runners-up: "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl," "Elf"

2002
Best Picture: "My Big, Fat Greek Wedding"

It's inconceivable that a dud like "Gangs of New York" got so much Oscar buzz just because of its director and pretty costumes. Such films are a great example of just how misguided Oscar voters can be. We've all heard about the astonishing financial success of "My Big, Fat Greek Wedding," but it's also a great movie--charming, heartwarming and downright funny. It's another year where the best film won't be the one that gets the Oscar.

Best Picture Runners-up: "About a Boy"

2001
Best Picture: "Shrek"

This unforgettable comedy wasn't just slick in terms of its cutting-edge animation, it was equally impressive in its storytelling, characters and pathos. Does anyone really think the winner of Best Picture for 2001, "A Beautiful Mind," will endure like "Shrek" will? A classic case of where Oscar screwed up, bigtime. Oh, and let's not forget that Mike Meyers and John Lithgow deserved Oscar nominations, at least, for their voice work in "Shrek."

Best Picture runner's up: "Legally Blonde," "Monster's Inc.," "A Knight's Tale"

2000
Best Picture: "Shanghai Noon"

This year was a close race. The film that got the Oscar for Best Picture, "Gladiator," was an impressive bit of filmmaking, granted, but so was "Shanghai Noon." Both were period pieces, but "Gladiator" didn't have Jackie Chan or Owen Wilson. "Gladiator" had some great action sequences, but no kung fu. Case closed.

Runners Up: "Meet the Parents," "Almost Famous"

1999
Best Picture: "Galaxy Quest"

This was a big year for comedy. "American Beauty" won the Oscar for Best Picture. Oh, please. We're talking about the Best Picture of the year, and "Galaxy Quest" was it. It had a great story, great comedic acting (that's "comedic acting" meant as a term of admiration, not as an insult), and it had heart. Let's check back in 10 years to see which film still resides in your collection. Or which films your kids want to see, or their kids.

Runners Up: "American Pie," "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me," "Toy Story 2"

1998
Best Picture: "Shakespeare in Love"

This was the last time the Academy got it right. Bravo. This film had it all. Only complaint, how in the hell did gesticulating nitwit Roberto Benigni win Best Actor that year? Joseph Fiennes should have put in a call to somebody in Tony Soprano's crew.

Runners Up: "A Bug's Life," "The Wedding Singer"

1997
Best Picture: "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery"

This was a close race. Not between "Austin Powers" and Oscar-winner "Titanic" (yawn), but between "Austin Powers" and "Men in Black." Is comparing "Austin Powers" with "Titanic" like comparing apples and oranges? Maybe, but few would disagree that "Austin Powers" was inspired, deft and downright hilarious (and, remember, it did manage to come in with a running time under three hours—that should be a requirement for all Best Picture contenders).

Runners Up: "Men in Black," "The Full Monty," "Grosse Pointe Blank"

1996
Best Picture: "Jerry Maguire"

This was a year where there's no room for disagreement. No Oscar race better makes the point about how comedies don't get their due. Let's see, which was the better movie, "The English Patient" or just about any other movie made that year? What in the world were Academy voters thinking—and one can only wonder if any of them had regrets about voting while under the influence of hallucinogens? "Jerry Maguire" had such great writing (thanks, Cameron Crowe) and the acting was all top-notch (and award-worthy). Perhaps it's time the Academy instituted a new "do-overs" policy.

Runner Up: "Fargo"

1995
Best Picture: "Babe"

All right. Some races were closer than others. "Braveheart" won the Oscar, and probably even deserved it, but "Babe" should have at least been in the running. This captivating, funny story was just as worthy of Oscar's attention.

Runner Up: "Toy Story," "The American President"

1994
Best Picture: "Forrest Gump"

Hey, the Academy got it right again. Miracles happen, even in Hollywood.

Runners Up: "Dumb & Dumber," "Four Weddings and a Funeral"

1993
Best Picture: "Groundhog Day"

It almost feels wrong to say that "Groundhog Day" was more deserving of a Best Picture Oscar than the film about that other Oscar, "Schindler's List." But, hey, let's say it, anyway. "Groundhog Day" was one of the most astonishing movies of 1993 or any year. It was just plain brilliant—and it even had a point. Bill Murray should have won for Best Actor. Danny Rubin and Harold Ramis should have won Best Screenplay. It's great when movies can move people to tears, but what an astonishing thing to be able to move them to laughter.

Runners Up: "Grumpy Old Men," "Dave"

1992
Best Picture: "Wayne's World"

How does "Unforgiven" get a Best Picture Oscar? Who knows? All we know is that "Wayne's World" was far and away the more entertaining film. How many lines can you quote from "Unforgiven"? And from "Wayne's World"? "Schwing." "Party on." "We're not worthy!" Everybody loves a good Western, but Best Picture of the year?

Runner Up: "The Player"

1991
Best Picture: "L.A. Story"

How many Oscars has Steve Martin won? A travesty! Steve Martin deserves to be more than a host of the Oscars, he deserves to have a room full of Oscar statues. It's just so sad that certain actors and films are ignored year after year after year, though their contribution to cinema in undeniable. (Let's hope their pools and servants help ease the pain of their ongoing disappointment.)

Runner Up: "City Slickers"

1990
Best Picture: "Tremors"

Yes, it was campy, but it was intended to be. It was also wildly entertaining and funny as hell. Nothing says funny like "Graboids" as far as we're concerned. Yes, "Dances With Wolves" was a dandy film, but it didn't have Kevin Bacon, nor did it have much goo. Enough said.

Runner Up: "Pretty Woman," "Green Card"

1989
Best Picture: "When Harry Met Sally"

"When Harry Met Sally" raised questions we all thought about but rarely discussed, and it managed to do it in a disarmingly amusing way. It was about the last time we enjoyed seeing either of the film's stars in a movie, and they had great chemistry together—there were few others more deserving of Best Actor and Best Actress nominations. The self-important "Driving Miss Daisy" won the Best Picture Oscar that year, but we know which film truly deserved the distinction.

Runners Up: "Parenthood," "The Adventures of Baron Munchausen"

1988
Best Picture: "Big"

Whenever the so-called experts put together lists of the best movies of all time, the same lackluster names appear—"Citizen Kane," "Casablanca," "Gone With the Wind," "Lawrence of Arabia," blah, blah, blah. We say you can't make a list of the best movies of all time without listing "Big" at or near the top of the list. This story of a boy who becomes big overnight is a perfectly woven tale with masterfully crafted dialogue and characters. The story is simple and moving. "Rain Man" (which won Best Picture) was a good movie, sure, but "Big" was a great movie. And Dustin Hoffman (Best Actor) was good, but Tom Hanks' performance was sheer genius.

Runners Up: "Beetlejuice," "The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad"

1987
Best Picture: "The Princess Bride"

The perfect mix of wry humor and swashbuckling adventure, this classic comedy bested the forgettable Oscar winner, "The Last Emperor," by a mile. Has any actor ever been more deserving of a Best Supporting Actor nod than Mandy Patinkin as the revenge-obsessed Inigo Montoya?

Runners Up: "Raising Arizona," "Roxanne," "Spaceballs," "Moonstruck"

Oh, all right, my hands are tired. So, let's just cut to the chase. These are the movies that should have won Best Picture in these years.

1986
Best Picture: "Nothing in Common," just nudging out "Big Trouble in Little China," "Crocodile Dundee" and "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

1985
Best Picture: "Back to the Future."

1984
Tough year! "Ghostbusters" snags Best Picture, in a field containing "Splash," "Beverly Hills Cop," "Romancing the Stone" and "Bachelor Party."

1983
Best Picture: "A Christmas Story."

1982
Best Picture: "Tootsie," although "48 Hours," "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" and Woody Allen's "A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy" were on its heels.

1981
Best Picture: "Stripes."

1980
Best Picture: "Airplane," just beating out "Caddyshack" and "The Blues Brothers."

1979
Best Picture: "The Jerk."

1978
Best Picture: "National Lampoon's Animal House."

1977
Best Picture: "Annie Hall." (The other last time the Oscar voters got it right.)

1976
Best Picture: "The Pink Panther Strikes Again."

1975
Best Picture: "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," but the underexposed "Love and Death" could just as easily have taken the statue.

1974
Best Picture: "Blazing Saddles." Unless you're more of a "Young Frankenstein" person.

1973
Best Picture: "Sleeper." One of the biggest travesties in the history of cinematic awards. "The Sting" was pretty good, but we're talking a whole different level of genius with "Sleeper."

1972
Best Picture: "Harold And Maude."

1971
Best Picture: "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory."

1970
Best Picture: "M*A*S*H."

Sure, you might disagree with some of the individual selections here, but big picture, everyone can agree the Motion Picture Academy needs to lighten up and realize comedy deserves a fair shake when it comes to Best Picture. The recent change to include 10 nominations, rather than five, was a horrible move, but if 10 it must be, how about a fair mix of comedies and dramas?

Michael Caine once said, "Comedy is underrepresented in every actor's life, because it's so bloody difficult to write." Comedy is underrepresented at the Oscars, too, because it looks so bloody easy.

Not Just Another Mall

It's the Forum Shops at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. A mall, times, oh, infinity.

I Guess We Have a New Penny

Am I the only one that misses out on news like this? Apparently, we have new pennies.



I got a few at a casino tonight. I wonder if the Treasury Department gets people calling to report that they've been given counterfeit currency when they see something like this. Shouldn't they give us a little heads up (so to speak) or something?

I guess we'll survive.

I have to agree with this writer, though. It's kind of on the lame side.

My Chip Collection

I've always collected things. Antique cameras. Movies on DVD. Quirky tools. Magazines from birth month. Music CDs. These aren't really ongoing collections. I kind of collect things fanatically, then move on to the next collection.

I think I've completed my latest collection! I've gathered together a collection of casino chips from every casino in Las Vegas that has a craps table.



The collection is made up of $1 chips, but there's a $5 chip from the Hard Rock, just for good measure. There's also a 50-cent chip from the Fremont.

There are, of course, chips from several casinos that are no longer with us. The Stardust, among them, the first place I stayed on my first visit to Vegas.

After the opening of the Cosmopolitan recently, some have suggested it'll be awhile before another major hotel-casino opens up on Vegas. So, my collection is complete! Even though I'm kind hoping not.

Paris Vegas

I never tire of the sights and sounds of Vegas. A personal favorite is Paris Las Vegas (at least in terms of decor, I have other favorites for gambling). They did it up right when they designed this place.

I Have the Edge

I took this photo for a contest in the Las Vegas Photographic Society. The theme was "lines." Not sure if it qualifies, but I like it!

My Favorite Tweets of 2010

Yes, I read them all. And these were my favorite Tweets of 2010. I tried to whittle them down to a top 10 or 20, but hey, it's me.

Dear Mexico, you will always be a Third World country as long as you use accordions in your popular music.

Today, I get what I thought was spam. It said, "Dude, we're spamming those other people, but you could really use a larger penis."

If two special characters on your computer keyboard got married, would their vows include "Tilde death do us part"?

People are surprised to learn I'm an ordained minister. But I live in #Vegas, so I refer to myself as an Irreverend.

Happiest words ever: The office will be closing early today. Second happiest, "Is that all YOU?!"

Today's common word that sounds like a sexually-transmitted disease: Thwarts.

Everyone should leave Jesse James alone. He just did to Sandra Bullock what she did to ALL of us with Speed 2.

They say when God closes a door, he opens a window. What a pain in the ass to have to get into the house through a window all the time.

Scientists discover part-plant, part-animal sea creature. Finally, Crispin Glover is back in the headlines.

Rescuers pull girl from rubble 15 days after Haiti quake. Name? Betty.

"My bad" is not an apology. Unless you're apologizing for being an idiot.

Debating which nickname I should use, inspired by "The Situation." I could do "The Inflection," "The Predicament" or "The Phlegm Shawl."

My whole life, I've heard things along the lines of, "I want you to be who you are, but, you know, within reason."

You will not crush my spirit, DMV. My dad did that long ago, thanks.

The voice announcing numbers at the DMV was the same one calling people to Carosel in "Logan's Run." Coincidence?

Hummers to go off the market. Double entendre fans in mourning.

Powerful quake strikes Argentina. Actually increases property values.

I think it might be fun to raise money for a BAD cause.

And on an unrelated note: Have you ever seen someone who was combobulated?

I recently went green. I think it's a dietary thing.

No matter how bad your situation might be, mine is worse. Because, you know, my situation involves me.

Putting "fest" at the end of anything makes it more fun. Next time, make it a colonoscopyfest!

Ha! I just hit my funny bone. Thus refuting those who say, "He doesn't have a funny bone in his body."

I just saw a label that said "contains pro-vitamin B5." What's a "pro-vitamin"? Are the rest just dabbling?

Sorry, believers, but if there were a God, he would have made bladders with a capacity that at least exceeded a two-hour movie.

When was the last time you saw a movie with an Asian but without Kung Fu?

Retweeting is the pitiful refuge of those who can't think of anything original of their own. Please RT.

I have a "leading economic indicator." In my pants.

Is it possible to have too much moderation?

I judge, therefore I am.

If this van's a-rockin', there may be a problem with the suspension.

I want to be easy, breezy and beautiful like Cover Girl. But, you know, in a dude way.

There's nothing quite as disheartening as seeing someone wearing a hat, and realizing they don't mean it to be ironic.

I just pocket-dialed my other pocket. Got voice mail.

Wouldn't it be freaky if a zombie attacked you, but it was a really old one, and she just kind of gummed at you and you were fine?

Today's factoid is for race fans: Funny Cars? Not that funny.

I probably Tweet about myself too much, but I'm the most interesting thing I can think of.

I'm kind of losing interest in "making a difference." From now on, I'm making a similarity.

Why don't you ever hear about anyone being "below reproach"?

Most amazing thing about the Chilean mine rescue? Rev. Jesse Jackson has yet to appear and take credit for the rescue.

Social networking is the new office water cooler. And you don't herniate yourself lifting the tank.

"Most companies do listening, but do nothing with it." Just like my relationship.

Dear rap artists. "Floor" does not, technically, rhyme with "know."

Update: Cable guy may be the result of breeding between humans and sloths.

Question: Is it inappropriate to call the pine used for coffins "mourning wood"?

If you find yourself always struggling to make ends meet, it's probably time to change the ends.

Dude, you can call it a "briefcase," but in the end, it's a glorified purse.

Life rule #431: Beware the comedian who never jokes about gonorrhea.

Awesome sometimes asks me how to be more awesome.

I'm so green, I just copied a long report onto two-sided paper and threw away the original. You're welcome, Earth.

Life tip #81: People in marching bands could get there a lot quicker if they just took longer steps.

You know what you never see? Drink cozies knitted with phlegm.

Retweet this and a Who dies.

Retweet this and I'll fornicate with a corn husk.

LOLB. (It's like LOL, but with boobs.)

The holidays are a time to count our blessings: Friends, health and the fact Yoko Ono no longer sleeps with anyone famous.

Based on the strength of concept, how is it, after all this time, no company is making shoes with mirrors on them?

Well, that's a switch. I just molested a Catholic priest.

Goal for our office holiday party: Unprotected sex with a cannoli.

Goal for tonight's office holiday party: Get myself drunk and get into my own pants.

Weird how "crack whore" has taken on such a negative connotation, rather than translating as an exceptional entertainment value.

I just took a Wikileak. (Somebody had to say it.)

I totally get the benefits of kicking ass, but I'm a little fuzzy about why one would also feel compelled to take names.

Just dropped a tin of Altoids on my lap. Now certain parts of me are "curiously rigid."

I have an appointment with H.R. on Monday. Apparently, people in the office didn't care for me wearing mistletoe on my belt buckle.

I can't help but feel I'm destined to hit the F8 key.

Two more glasses of @Captn_Morgan and diet, and I swear to God I'll Tweet a picture of me with a beard made of placenta.

Heard I have another session with Human Resources. Some of the folks at the office didn't appreciate me showing off my Yule log.

To get into the holiday spirit, curled up with a warm blanket. Then realized, "What in the HELL is Michael Jackson's kid doing here?!"

Only bummer about the New Year's Eve countdowns? Counting backwards reminds me of a sobriety test.

Happy New Year!