Saturday, January 1, 2011

My Favorite Tweets of 2010

Yes, I read them all. And these were my favorite Tweets of 2010. I tried to whittle them down to a top 10 or 20, but hey, it's me.

Dear Mexico, you will always be a Third World country as long as you use accordions in your popular music.

Today, I get what I thought was spam. It said, "Dude, we're spamming those other people, but you could really use a larger penis."

If two special characters on your computer keyboard got married, would their vows include "Tilde death do us part"?

People are surprised to learn I'm an ordained minister. But I live in #Vegas, so I refer to myself as an Irreverend.

Happiest words ever: The office will be closing early today. Second happiest, "Is that all YOU?!"

Today's common word that sounds like a sexually-transmitted disease: Thwarts.

Everyone should leave Jesse James alone. He just did to Sandra Bullock what she did to ALL of us with Speed 2.

They say when God closes a door, he opens a window. What a pain in the ass to have to get into the house through a window all the time.

Scientists discover part-plant, part-animal sea creature. Finally, Crispin Glover is back in the headlines.

Rescuers pull girl from rubble 15 days after Haiti quake. Name? Betty.

"My bad" is not an apology. Unless you're apologizing for being an idiot.

Debating which nickname I should use, inspired by "The Situation." I could do "The Inflection," "The Predicament" or "The Phlegm Shawl."

My whole life, I've heard things along the lines of, "I want you to be who you are, but, you know, within reason."

You will not crush my spirit, DMV. My dad did that long ago, thanks.

The voice announcing numbers at the DMV was the same one calling people to Carosel in "Logan's Run." Coincidence?

Hummers to go off the market. Double entendre fans in mourning.

Powerful quake strikes Argentina. Actually increases property values.

I think it might be fun to raise money for a BAD cause.

And on an unrelated note: Have you ever seen someone who was combobulated?

I recently went green. I think it's a dietary thing.

No matter how bad your situation might be, mine is worse. Because, you know, my situation involves me.

Putting "fest" at the end of anything makes it more fun. Next time, make it a colonoscopyfest!

Ha! I just hit my funny bone. Thus refuting those who say, "He doesn't have a funny bone in his body."

I just saw a label that said "contains pro-vitamin B5." What's a "pro-vitamin"? Are the rest just dabbling?

Sorry, believers, but if there were a God, he would have made bladders with a capacity that at least exceeded a two-hour movie.

When was the last time you saw a movie with an Asian but without Kung Fu?

Retweeting is the pitiful refuge of those who can't think of anything original of their own. Please RT.

I have a "leading economic indicator." In my pants.

Is it possible to have too much moderation?

I judge, therefore I am.

If this van's a-rockin', there may be a problem with the suspension.

I want to be easy, breezy and beautiful like Cover Girl. But, you know, in a dude way.

There's nothing quite as disheartening as seeing someone wearing a hat, and realizing they don't mean it to be ironic.

I just pocket-dialed my other pocket. Got voice mail.

Wouldn't it be freaky if a zombie attacked you, but it was a really old one, and she just kind of gummed at you and you were fine?

Today's factoid is for race fans: Funny Cars? Not that funny.

I probably Tweet about myself too much, but I'm the most interesting thing I can think of.

I'm kind of losing interest in "making a difference." From now on, I'm making a similarity.

Why don't you ever hear about anyone being "below reproach"?

Most amazing thing about the Chilean mine rescue? Rev. Jesse Jackson has yet to appear and take credit for the rescue.

Social networking is the new office water cooler. And you don't herniate yourself lifting the tank.

"Most companies do listening, but do nothing with it." Just like my relationship.

Dear rap artists. "Floor" does not, technically, rhyme with "know."

Update: Cable guy may be the result of breeding between humans and sloths.

Question: Is it inappropriate to call the pine used for coffins "mourning wood"?

If you find yourself always struggling to make ends meet, it's probably time to change the ends.

Dude, you can call it a "briefcase," but in the end, it's a glorified purse.

Life rule #431: Beware the comedian who never jokes about gonorrhea.

Awesome sometimes asks me how to be more awesome.

I'm so green, I just copied a long report onto two-sided paper and threw away the original. You're welcome, Earth.

Life tip #81: People in marching bands could get there a lot quicker if they just took longer steps.

You know what you never see? Drink cozies knitted with phlegm.

Retweet this and a Who dies.

Retweet this and I'll fornicate with a corn husk.

LOLB. (It's like LOL, but with boobs.)

The holidays are a time to count our blessings: Friends, health and the fact Yoko Ono no longer sleeps with anyone famous.

Based on the strength of concept, how is it, after all this time, no company is making shoes with mirrors on them?

Well, that's a switch. I just molested a Catholic priest.

Goal for our office holiday party: Unprotected sex with a cannoli.

Goal for tonight's office holiday party: Get myself drunk and get into my own pants.

Weird how "crack whore" has taken on such a negative connotation, rather than translating as an exceptional entertainment value.

I just took a Wikileak. (Somebody had to say it.)

I totally get the benefits of kicking ass, but I'm a little fuzzy about why one would also feel compelled to take names.

Just dropped a tin of Altoids on my lap. Now certain parts of me are "curiously rigid."

I have an appointment with H.R. on Monday. Apparently, people in the office didn't care for me wearing mistletoe on my belt buckle.

I can't help but feel I'm destined to hit the F8 key.

Two more glasses of @Captn_Morgan and diet, and I swear to God I'll Tweet a picture of me with a beard made of placenta.

Heard I have another session with Human Resources. Some of the folks at the office didn't appreciate me showing off my Yule log.

To get into the holiday spirit, curled up with a warm blanket. Then realized, "What in the HELL is Michael Jackson's kid doing here?!"

Only bummer about the New Year's Eve countdowns? Counting backwards reminds me of a sobriety test.

Happy New Year!

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