Wrested From the Headlines

Today's torn-from-the-headlines musings. I'm not entirely sure what some of them mean, so don't say I didn't warn you.

Obama: On "precipice" of health overhaul. Me: Mr. President, 28% of the people who voted for you think "precipice" involves urine.

Student sent home from school for drawing a crucifix. The principal was cross.

Oral Roberts passed away. Tee-hee. They said, "Oral."

Tiger's sponsors feel his popularity sink. Stocks of bandwagon manufacturing companies at all-time highs.

Jennifer Garner's alleged stalker arrested. Her alleged acting ability rumored to be in hiding to avoid extradition.

H1N1 vaccine doses for kids recalled. Conspiracy theorists simultaneously throw out hips from mass jig dancing.

Iowa mom gets life for murdering son. Seems like it should be the other way around.

Chris Brown deletes his Twitter account. What will we all do with the extra brain cells we're likely to get back?

Five indicted in fatal beating of Latino man. All were blindfolded and holding sticks at the time of the crime.

Philippines volcano eruption imminent. Phillipines relevancy unlikely.

20,000 exotic animals seized. Two words: Viscosity breakdown.

Illinois to get Gitmo detainees. Thought they were being tortured before? Now they'll be bored to death.

Few banks serve Muslim needs. First it was outrageous overdraft fees. Now, a refusal to offer knife sharpening for beheadings.

Courtney Love loses custody. Of her mind.

One in six teens engage in "sexting." Three in six engage in praying desperately to last just 30 more seconds.

Comcast introduces a streaming TV service. Which is great, because the current options are more steaming than streaming.

Lil Wayne's delayed album released by accident. Dog blamed.